I Love Right Now

J Ro was driving. I was flipping through CDs in the passenger seat. Ian was behind me. Adam was behind J Ro. Craig was squeezed in the bitch position. Then we were all all squeezed into the bitch position. The light had been green for about 8 seconds. As we crossed the intersection, another car came through her red light without any brakes and going top legal speed. What happened next was not how I have envisioned car crashes. My life did not flash before my eyes. Everything did not move in slow motion. About 37,000 things happened all in one second....

The Honda Accord smashed into the passenger side of our Scion XB. Loud. Metal on metal. The door caves into my elbow, smacks Ians hip and then we launch. Into the air. Half second blackout. Wake up. Still in the air. Upside down. I see the street where the sky should be through the window. Someone (J Ro?) is yelling 'Fuck'. Airbags. Smoke. Are we on fire? The car seems like a giant refridgerator-sized cardboard box that I used to play with when I was little. I would make a fort out of it in the backyard. My brother would come along and make the box cave in. I would pretend that I was dying and falling. Yes. This was just like that. Only the cardboard box was 4,000 pounds, going 40 miles per hour and can kill you. We land right side up. I realize that we're not on fire. The smoke was actually the powder from the airbags. I can feel it in my lungs. Someone (me?) is yelling 'We're OK, We're OK! Get out of the car!' All except the drivers side door was stuck. We filed out of the door. We all saw the car. It was beyond crashed. We all hugged each other and started going throught the motions of what you're supposed to do after a car accident...just like how I've been going through the motions of what you're supposed to do in life....

I'm still not exactly sure what all this is meaning to me just yet. I'll admit that morning I was coming out of an electronic brain haze and today I still am putting pieces together. I do feel that I am lucky to be alive and that I have to start living my life a little more...something. On my plane back to NYC, somewhere over Nebraska, I started to have a rush of realizations. Things I have to put into effect. I need to let anger go. I need to hug the people I love. I need to tell the people I love that I love them. I need let the past be the past. I need to not take things personally. I need to enjoy the now for what it is.

My life hiatus out in California was amazing. I have learned so much from my family of friends out there. Love. Joy. Maturity. Sense of Home. Closeness. Trust. Be. Here. Now. Everything is perfect....and now its time to get back into life out here in The City. I want to enjoy the Nows. I also want to have better 'future' Nows. Who knows what great heights can be acheived. I feel like the five of us in that car are Destinys Child..."I'm a Survivor, I'm not gon give up, I'm not gon stop, I'm gon work harder..." Hip Hop mispelling aside, I really am going to do my best to do those things. I feel that my head and my heart are washing away whatever I haven't been doing. Yesterday I was on the subway and I started crying. It was a happy cry. The kind you feel at a wedding or at the end of a Reese Witherspoon romantic comedy. I couldn't help my emotions. I feel that I am cleansing myself in some way. Something is definately different. I can remember my dreams. Rich, colored, shiny dreams. My heart feels happy. I feel like doing everything. I feel like being a better person.

To the Boys of The Scion - Adam - You are wise beyond your years. Ian - You are a great light. J Ro - I have been impressed by you for years and you continue to do so. Craig - Thank you for being you. You teach without knowing. Be happy.

Alright. Real life starts now. (This sounds like a Coca-Cola commercial about real kids doing real things on their summer vacation...make a documentary! Drink Coke!) Back in the best city in the world, where anything can happen. I'm happy to be alive and to be a part of it. I love right now.